I’m going to be broke and destitute by February at this rate….

Everything is seemingly falling apart at the moment and I don’t even know where to begin, because I’ve been caught off guard by someone I thought was my best friend and the depth of my mental illness continues to surprise me in the worst kind of way.  I have no idea where I’m going o be living when I return to the UK in November and I’m just going to end up burning through my savings at an alarming rate and becoming broke and destitute as early as February, based on the worst case scenario.  I’m still going to meet my ex-girlfriend tomorrow, but that has gone from being a chance to see her new place, see her son and her cats again to some sort of night of staying in a hotel and recreational drug abuse (old habits die hard).  I don’t even think that living with her would be a good idea and I’ve basically wasted more money booking train tickets to go up there tomorrow when I’d really prefer to just be alone, because all people do is hurt me, whether they mean to or not.

I had to cancel the flight I’d booked with American Airlines because they freaked me out with an email telling me to call them urgently.  I emailed their complaints department (I couldn’t think of any other department to contact) and explained that I have severe phone anxiety, but no one responded until it was too late.  I ended up booking an outbound flight with shitty-ass Norwegian Airlines and I’m flying back to London from Toronto again through WestJet, as they seem to be the most lenient airline when it comes to checked baggage.

I just don’t care that much anymore, because I know that I’m fucked and that my borrowed time is running out fast.  It used to be the case that you could just find a room and move in, but now everything is so complicated, almost rigged against simple people like me so that we can fail.  I really don’t have what it takes to survive in this world anymore, not here in 2018.  I’m sure that 15 years ago, this would have been easier and less complicated.  What do people do in my situation, even with savings?

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I walked around Newark town center earlier and went to the remains of the castle.  It’s a nice enough town and no one has fucked with me yet.  I just wish I had my bikes as this town is very bike friendly and cycling doesn’t hurt my fucked up feet like walking does and I don’t feel as anxious riding a bike versus walking.

These are the shit pictures I took anyway.

PHOTOS: Newark-On-Trent, England – 09-25-18

I’m most likely not going to update this blog again until after I get back from Liverpool on Thursday.  I have a really bad feeling about going there and I don’t think anything good will come of it.

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People come into my life.
People change.
People leave.
I’m always the one left behind.
Ugly, worthless and never good enough.

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Not looking good…..

I’ve committed to leaving Rochester, having now told my landlord of my intentions to move out on October 31st. I haven’t told my care manager back in Rochester yet, but as soon as I know next week whether or not I’ll be able to get the same medication here, I will let him know. I’ve booked a return flight to New York City from London, leaving on October 16th and returning on October 31st, giving me just under 2 weeks to do what I need to do in Rochester and get the rest of my belongings back here. I’m really dreading going back to Rochester. Not only do I have the usual dread, but I’m walking right back into a difficult living situation with 2 roommates, one of whom wants me out. I emailed the landlord and I’m now very worried about getting my security deposit back based on his email”

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This is a shared house and he is in London, so how is he even going to inspect the place from 3,500 miles away? I hope he isn’t going to trust Sara (the roommate who doesn’t like me) to do it, because I don’t trust her and she doesn’t like me, so I have a horrible feeling that I’m going to get screwed over.

I went to Grantham earlier today on the train and walked to my mum;’s via a shopping trip to Morrison’s supermarket. We went to look at a flat., but it was completely bare and I’d have had to carpet it, furnish it and buy an oven and a fridge. Besides, the lady said that as I don’t have an income, I would fail their income assessment. It’s a shame, because it was good for the price and I could have rented one of the 2 bedroom out.

Plans have been changed with my ex-girlfriend too. She is too embarrassed for me to see her place, so she wants us to stay at a hotel instead. I don’t mind, but if I’m going to be staying there for a few weeks, I at least wanted to see the place and assess the amount of cleaning that I’d need to do. I was also looking forward to seeing her cats, one of which is from the same litter as Lily and Madge and I haven’t seen her since she was a kitten.

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I walked to and from Newark train station via a path that must’ve been a disused railway line in the past. The town (and the area in general) is ideal for cycling and I wish I had my bikes with me. Walking hurts my damaged, ugly-ass feet and because I’ve had to walk quite a lot, I’m in pain again. So far I’ve managed to avoid kids and teenagers, but I really haven’;t been out much.

I’ve been sleeping a lot better here than in Rochester, but for some reason I am constantly tired and lethargic. I seem to drift off whenever I lie down in my room with the window open and the cool autumn breeze blowing in. This is a far cry from the hot, humid and stagnant oppressive heat of Rochester this time last month. I barely even have a window in my room there, but at least I do here. This has got to be one of the easiest Airbnb experiences so far, as the host hasn’t even been here and the one guest that left yesterday was as quiet as a mouse and was never here either.

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I still have no idea what I’m going to do when I come back at the end of October. It’s obvious that I’m going to have enormous difficulties renting anywhere without an income and just savings. This is incredibly frustrating and I hate the fact that existing has become so complicated over the past 10 years or so in particular.

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Please stop suggesting that I should seek out the transgender and LGBT communities….

“Seeking help or solace in the LGBT community is similar to walking into a brick wall in a dead end street and repeatedly banging your head, in that I’ve never got anywhere and it fucking hurts.” – Me

Since I started transition just over 5 years ago, I’ve become increasingly frustrated by the number of seemingly well meaning people who have suggested seeking out help and friendship from the transgender and wider LGBT communities. Very few people seem to understand why this ‘suggestion’ now upsets me, including my therapist, who offered this suggestion in reply to the long email that I sent him last week about the place that I was meant to be moving into fell through:

“I’m so sorry things played out that way. And it is all out of your control. I was wondering if there are LGBTQ organizations around you that may have resources or places that have emergency services that could get the ball rolling. I saw https://lgbt.foundation/ and you should contact them (they are in England) just to see if they can refer you anywhere.”

I understand that he is trying to help, but I have told him of my multiple negative experiences with virtually anything transgender or LGBT related and how such organizations are heavily biased towards transgender youth and transgender kids, especially on the issue of housing. I’ll never forget the time I went to Stonewall Housing in London in 2015, where they basically told me that I was fucked and they didn’t seem interested in helping me.

As for transgender groups, I’ve found every one that I’ve been to in the past to be full of incredibly self-centered people, cliquish or even toxic to me. I didn’t make friends at such groups; I left feeling even worse about myself, marginalized from a marginalized community. I’ve never felt comfortable in so-called ‘LGBT friendly’ places and I was harassed at the first and last Pride festival that I went to back in 2014 due to my ugly appearance. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in places with large LGBT populations such as Wilton Manors in South Florida or Brighton in here in the UK. In fact, the only place in Toronto where I recall feeling truly uncomfortable was the time I explored the Gay Village.

If I open up to you about the pain I feel from feelings of loneliness and never fitting in, please try not to suggest anything LGBT or transgender-related. It’s been a constant source of frustration for the last few years and it seems that no matter how many times I try to explain this to people, they still do it. When you make such suggestions, please understand that what you are doing is validating the insecurities I have in relation to how ‘different’ I am by suggesting that I go to places where you assume that I’ll be accepted, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. Believe it or not, many of the problems I have and the loneliness I feel has a lot less to do with transition and being transgender than you think. Please stop reinforcing my differences and at least give me the illusion that I’m normal and don’t look like such a fucking ugly freak.

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Day 2 in Newark (Nottinghamshire, not New Jersey)

This is my second day in the Airbnb home in Newark and so far, it’s been peaceful and without complication.  There is another guest staying here, but he’s hardly ever here and the host is out of town.   My mum and her husband dropped me and my 2 suitcases off yesterday, which saved me from having to haul it on and off train and walk over a mile.   I slept pretty well last night, helped by the fact that the bed is relatively comfortable and the weather has turned very grey and autumnal.

I didn’t go out today because I don’t like going out on weekends, especially Saturdays.  I spent most of t he day trying to catch up on 3 months worth of lost sleep, but I have an impossibly long way to go to recover from that.  I did wander into the town last night and bought groceries at a local Asda supermarket (owned by Walmart and strikingly similar).  I was shocked at how much cheaper many items of food here are, particularly produce, cereal, bread, cheese…okay, just about everything in supermarkets seems drastically cheaper.  I didn’t feel threatened at any point as I walked through Newark’s town centre, even though some of the streets were so poorly lit that I had to use the light on my phone to see where I was going.

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I have been talking to K, my ex-girlfriend from 2016 a lot lately and she said she’d let me stay with her while I look for a more permanent place.  She lives in a town just south of Liverpool and I’ve booked train tickets to go and meet her next Wednesday and I’m staying at her place overnight.  Despite our failed relationship and the drama between us, I’m actually looking forward to seeing her again.  She’s gone a lot more political since I last saw her over 2 years ago and I think we will have a lot to talk about.  She struggles with depression and anxiety as I do and in many ways, we are quite similar.  Sometimes I wish we could get back together, even if there’s no romantic love involved and she were to seek the sexual side of things from other women.  She struggles with things that I can do such as cooking and cleaning, while she’s a lot better at dealing with the outside world than I am, even if it’s just as difficult for her.  We’re both lonely and neither of us have many friends (or any local friends at all or friends we see regularly).  I know she isn’t interested in getting back together with me, but if it happens, I’m not opposed to it.  K said that she has a friend in Liverpool itself who is living in a place where a room might become available soon.  It’s cheaper up north anyway…much cheaper.

I registered as a new patient with my mum’s local GP, but I won’t find out if they’ll give me a prescription for the same medication and HRT as I am in Rochester until I go for my first appointment the week after next.  But as long as I can continue my HRT and they can give me something for my anxiety and depression, that will be a huge load off my mind.

Now that I’ve got the ‘positive’ stuff out of the way, I’m still not even close to being optimistic.  The deadline that I’ve given myself still stands.  I’ve been saying it for the last 12 months, bit I really am on borrowed time this time and it’s running out.

I sent a message to my landlord and the difficult roommate to let them know that I’m leaving at the end of October, but neither of them have responded and I’m kind of worried.  I know the landlord was there on the 20th and my ears were burning a hole in my head that day, because I know that S (the difficult roommate) was probably talking all sorts of shit about me and complaining to him about me because they’re friends and if it came to her versus me, I’d be fucked.  I’m worried most about the belongings that I still have to collect from there, especially my bikes.  Now I kind of wish that I’d have just kept my head down there, but the whole situation with the hot weather, poor ventilation and S’s passive-aggressiveness were driving me crazy.

I don’t even know when I’m going to face going back to Rochester and I haven’t booked a return flight yet.  I’m scared of US Customs and Border Protection and how they’ll treat me, after they grilled me (and everyone else on the train) for leaving the country before the train crossed the Canadian border.  I don'[t want to spend much time at the shared house, because I know that S doesn’t want me there and the fact that she isn’t responding to any of my messages is just adding to my anxiety.  I have to go back and now that I’ve committed myself to staying here in the UK, I don’t know where I’ll go when I get back, assuming things go pear-shaped between me and my ex, or I find nothing else in the meantime.

I really miss my mum’s cats, Lily and Madge.  Madge was sleeping on me almost every night and they both still remember me, even though I’ve only seen them once as adult cats, back in March when I was here last time.  I miss cats, rather than people these days.  I even miss S’s cat, Rummy and my previous roommates’ cat, Priscilla.

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I don’t believe in miracles, but it’ll take a miracle for me to stay….

I woke up around 3 am this morning from a particularly bad nightmare, which involved 2 horrible monsters: my dysphoria and feelings of envy and inferiority, this time towards my 2 younger half brothers.  In the nightmare, I jumped off a bridge and even though I had managed to kill myself, I could still hear other people tell lies about me and misgender me as male.

I’ve been getting along with my mum and her husband, but just as she will never understand my pain, I will never understand her mantra of “Everybody has problems”, which is a statement that has always invalidated my own struggles and dismisses the fact that while this may be true, most people get to lead ‘normal’ lives in which at least some of their needs are met (food, shelter, happiness, love, companionship).  We all had a bit too much wine to drink last night and I was trying to explain that my envy of others (including my younger half brothers) isn’t her fault and that nothing ‘wrong’ with me today is her fault.  I know she feels a lot of guilt and if anything, I wish I could take it away from her.  Even if I’d had the perfect upbringing, I would never have been happy with this body, nor would I have been any better equipped to deal with the problems that it’s caused me over the years,  I just wish that it didn’t cause so much pain when I see pictures of my brother’s expensive weddings.  The misconception is that people assume that I want them to suffer like I do or that I hate people and that isn’t the case.  I wouldn’t wish the living hell that is my existence on anyone, to tell you the truth.

For the last few days, I’ve been feeling very exhausted and lethargic.  I have little or no energy and this is all despite the fact that I’m sleeping a bit better here than I was in Rochester.  My brain is completely frazzled and I’m out of ideas.  The truth is that I don’t even want to exist in a world that I’m always going to feel alone and marginalized in.  The tiredness partly stems from having to haul this ugly, disfigured body around like a broken old heavy suitcase for far too long.  It’s from feeling alone in every crowd, because I can never truly be myself around anyone and I am too easily triggered by words and by envy.  The envy itself is toxic and destructive and has destroyed relationships with people and it will ultimately destroy me.

I’ve given myself a deadline, because it really is time to stop just talking about it for the sole purpose of a ‘release’.   I’ve known ‘where’ and ‘how’ for some time now, but ‘when’ is becoming clearer as I draw closer to it, resigned to the fact that I cannot beat this.   I just want to spend the time I have left completely alone, because I cannot be around other people at all anymore, despite the loneliness that I feel.  There is absolutely nothing in this existence for me to look forward to and the “It will get betters”  are just empty words.

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When you are as ugly on the outside as I am, you are forced see how ugly most people are on the inside.

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