Everything is seemingly falling apart at the moment and I don’t even know where to begin, because I’ve been caught off guard by someone I thought was my best friend and the depth of my mental illness continues to surprise me in the worst kind of way. I have no idea where I’m going o be living when I return to the UK in November and I’m just going to end up burning through my savings at an alarming rate and becoming broke and destitute as early as February, based on the worst case scenario. I’m still going to meet my ex-girlfriend tomorrow, but that has gone from being a chance to see her new place, see her son and her cats again to some sort of night of staying in a hotel and recreational drug abuse (old habits die hard). I don’t even think that living with her would be a good idea and I’ve basically wasted more money booking train tickets to go up there tomorrow when I’d really prefer to just be alone, because all people do is hurt me, whether they mean to or not.
I had to cancel the flight I’d booked with American Airlines because they freaked me out with an email telling me to call them urgently. I emailed their complaints department (I couldn’t think of any other department to contact) and explained that I have severe phone anxiety, but no one responded until it was too late. I ended up booking an outbound flight with shitty-ass Norwegian Airlines and I’m flying back to London from Toronto again through WestJet, as they seem to be the most lenient airline when it comes to checked baggage.
I just don’t care that much anymore, because I know that I’m fucked and that my borrowed time is running out fast. It used to be the case that you could just find a room and move in, but now everything is so complicated, almost rigged against simple people like me so that we can fail. I really don’t have what it takes to survive in this world anymore, not here in 2018. I’m sure that 15 years ago, this would have been easier and less complicated. What do people do in my situation, even with savings?
I walked around Newark town center earlier and went to the remains of the castle. It’s a nice enough town and no one has fucked with me yet. I just wish I had my bikes as this town is very bike friendly and cycling doesn’t hurt my fucked up feet like walking does and I don’t feel as anxious riding a bike versus walking.
These are the shit pictures I took anyway.
I’m most likely not going to update this blog again until after I get back from Liverpool on Thursday. I have a really bad feeling about going there and I don’t think anything good will come of it.